Was when our nightmare began. I can't believe that it has been a year since Landon's first seizure. The things he would endure over the year have been hard to believe. Last night as I was rocking him to sleep, I began thinking of how crazy the last year has been. I cried...something I don't let myself do often. For some reason watching him sleep so peacefully makes me tear up. I feel bad as a mother that Landon has been robbed of his first year of life. He has spent nearly a month of his short time in a hospital bed, not counting how many hours lost sitting in a doctors office. I understand things could be much worse for him, but I just don't see how any of it is fair. I didn't drink a pop, or eat a hot dog my whole pregnancy because they said it was bad. I followed the rules 100%...and now Landon is paying for something. Something I did? No one knows. As a mother I think it is natural to feel guilty. Most days it doesn't cross my mind, but last night it did. I feel like most days I completely pull my emotions from the daily activites, because if I didn't, I don't know how I would make it. I always say, "it is what it is," or "everything is great." It's a cover up...I don't want to show how I really feel, because it's hurts to bad.
I guess today is just bitter sweet. I am very thankful for the amazing gift God gave us, and the progress he has made. I just hope he will be able to be a normal little boy someday. Sorry to be all emotional, it's not something I usually do. Landon is the person really enduring all the struggles and pain, and he is the reason I feel sadness. He is truly a blessing, and a very happy little guy!
Ok, I just have to say this. I know what you mean when you feel that it was something that you did. It doesn't make it easy to think that things like this can happen to are beautiful babies. But there does come a time when that guilt feeling seems to fade into wonderment as they learn new things. I am here if you need to talk any time. You and your husband are amazing and will get Landon through every moment.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever need my cell phone number let me know.